Saturday, September 24, 2016

Why David Bowie? Why Now?

I am not alone in remaining perplexed over the loss of David Bowie.  "How can we live in a world without David Bowie?" are my exes words although he admitted no great love of following his music, his life and career.

I just don't know. 

However, I do know this: David Bowie was special enough to make the entire world stop turning and take note of his loss in a way no celebrity has.  Robin Williams generated a good deal of reaction but David Bowie... I don't know, man. I've observed reactions that range from disbelief to despair.  I've experienced both to some degree.  Great disbelief and perhaps not despair, but certainly a despondency I'd never expect from celebrity loss.

Something happened on the day he died:

A Great Light left our world.  We have his music but we don't have him.  It's not the same although I never met him.

It's been nine months since he left us and I still feel it.  Perhaps the loss of my kitties amplifies all deaths this year. 

Maybe, but David Bowie was gone 4 months before Sage and I'll never forget the day I heard the news on TV and where I was and who I was with.

I was no great follower of Bowie myself but I'm sure I'm not alone in attempting to unravel the Gordian Knot named Major Tom.

Which brings me to Black star, the Song and Video.  Do you have several hours for strange debate and occult overtones?  Overtones with subtle understones that weave in them implications that are serious and yet which Bowie probably never took seriously himself?

Sorta pisses me off in a way.

Stephen King, don't you dare write an enigma, fart and then walk out of the room laughing.

"And now I've said too much, I haven't said enough." --- REM, Losing My Religion

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

A Home For Budgies

After a long (unsolicited)blog rant, I advertised my birds in Craigslist.  After hours of bitter arguing, I agreed to re-home all but Petey since he was the first one as well as the only one I wanted to begin with.  I'd never intended on having more than one bird, Ralph!


So Petey will stay here until the ex gets his own place (again) and Petey goes with. Not too soon I assure you!  We were up till 5am fighting.  Granted, most of it was fueled by my post Cymbalta/opiate/mental illness fragility, but my ex is no more a saint than I am.  He's also mentally ill and has his own set of evil ways. (Get HIM to admit that though? Lotsa luck.)

Which brings me to whine a bit about how heartbreaking it is when you feel like you're the only family member in the vicinity willing to be honest with yourself while simultaneously listening to emotionally dishonest family members accuse you of being that way.  To make matters worse, I often end up confused and wondering if he's right.  It's in my nature to question myself and take stock.  The ex his family have a tendency to gaslight the living bejesus out of those who marry into the clan.  Or are they?  How would I even know?

I once saw an abuse poster that had this question listed among several others to evaluate whether or not you're being abused:

"Are you afraid of your husband/wife, bf/gf, etc?"

If the answer is yes, how are feelings of intimidation evidence of abuse?  Much of my fear stems from past alcoholic abuse, knee-jerk reaction stuff.  Some of the fear is directed at him but really just a reflection of my own feelings of inadequacy.  I fear the bitterness and envy that eat me up inside that he has an inborn sense of entitlement while I struggle to believe I deserve anything.  I feel he capitalizes on that.

There's one question that begs asking on those government subsidized mental health clinic wall posters:. Does your mate/friend laugh at you when you strike out at them in self defense (or retaliatory abuse) Do they make fun of you and smile while you seethe?

Sadism much?

The more out of control my temper gets, the calmer my ex gets.  Or used to.  It's not working anymore because I've just become so broken and jaded and hateful and erratic that he says he's afraid of me now.

Who's abusing who? (Whom? Someone help me out here)

Regardless, a studio apartment for two is too small.  Especially with four budgies and two cockatiels that fly around shitting on stuff and destroying shit.  He's never even sorry for their destruction.  He never apologies and he hardly cleans up after them.  And yet I feel guilty for telling him that three cockatiels had to be stored in his garage. (It's okay.  It's ventilated and cool.) He can put them in his apartment when he gets the fuck out of here.

That is all for now.  The new Budgie owners are due any minute.

Pray their new home is happy. :)

Saturday, September 17, 2016

To Fur or Not To Fur

I still cry for Sage and Dusty every day.  Every.Day.  But I wonder, do the tears need to cease before I find a new furry feline companion?  I'm lonely for a cat to care for.  I miss the feel of fur under my fingers.  But am I ready?  How will I know?



Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Goodbye WP, Hello Again Blogger

Decided to return to the simpler interface of blogger rather than stick around with the ever intimidating, junglish WordPress.  I don't really have a target audience there anymore anyhow.

I have cleanup to do here; broken links, lost pics and whatnot.

I'll try to keep it light.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread?

Time to start jumping into some shallower puddles, methinks.