Sunday, Sunday

For some reason, Sundays make me feel blue.  I think it's because I feel guilty for not going to church.  Church bores me, so I stay home and sleep instead.

Nobody wants to be bored.

I feel uneasy when the speaker talks about the undeserved kindness of Christ.  Or Grace.  I just hear 'undeserved' and want to walk out.  Been hearing that happy horseshit my whole life.  Time to move on.

I tried Heathenism and the short explanation is that I had a nervous breakdown last autumn and found yet another religion that doesn't meet my needs.  Needs.  I has them!

Sometimes I feel ridiculous trying any form of worship.  It feels uncomfortable to me, although this wasn't always the case.  I used to have faith but I seem to have lost or misplaced it somehow.

Maybe religion isn't for me.  Perhaps I'd make a better atheist or agnostic.  I do believe in intelligent design but I also believe in evolution.  The two can coexist peacefully if given a fighting chance.  I see too much that looks like intelligent design to believe it's random and yet I don't put much stock in holy books anymore.  I don't see the point.  They're full of repugnant acts and show mankind at his misogynistic, xenophobic worst.  Murder, rape, slavery.  It's all there: The best and worst of human civilization.  But I've grown weary of it over the years.

I have a pair of Mormon missionaries who call on me weekly trying to get me back in church.  Loneliness alone almost drives me to go.  But then what?  It'll be expected each week and, oh God, I just wish I'd blown those young boys off sometimes.  They seem to enjoy the visits as much as my ex does.  He's always trying to teach them something or show off a mechanical project or another.

I wish I could just go be a happy Mormon and hang out with them and avail myself of their weeknight project meetings.  They teach practical skills like cooking and canning and food storage.

I wish I could just be a happy atheist and hang out with intelligent people I can learn from and we could all do science together and perhaps watch Neal deGrasse Tyson's Cosmos series.

I wish I could make up my mind and make a decision instead of a resolution.

I | Alive

when the day can coalesce without crowding,
when the mind can wander, simpatico, with it’s companion soul
when the feeling is mutual in being, becoming
when the moment arrives,
I, Alive
am free.

Book?

I haven't posted in a good long while.

Why?

Nothing much to say, really.  The death of my kitties closed my mouth with a seal of grief: It comes off when it comes off and not sooner.

I'm starting to get some of my voice back I think.  I feel the urge to write a story out of something I started a few years ago with two characters I ended up role playing with: Zack Dakin and Gabe Cleghorn.  Perhaps it's time to work the fallen angel angle.  From the fall til the flood as book one.  Then a tour of history as these two weave a tapestry out of their lives as men and women, princes and paupers, rich and poor. 

How will it culminate?  Depends.  If I get that far, I'd like to collaborate with another who's character is named after a cigarette brand.  I always did think some sort of homoerotic novel could be gleaned from the RP and fleshed out into a novel.

Only time will tell.  I've only written The Fall after all.  It's an ambitious project but I'm bipolar so I'mma just allow myself to dream today and believe today that I can write a book.